I’m struggling today and I want to tell myself it’s ok, we have the days where we are ‘struggling today’ but I can’t seem to kick the sadness that’s weighing in on me this evening. I’ve always felt I was the person people go to when they need a friend, someone to speak to, to listen and provide guidance (where possible) the someone that will be genuine and who wont have any other agenda than to be a friend. Right now I feel heavy and I feel I need that someone but there isn’t anyone to turn to.
Maybe I feel that way because I can’t initiate the conversation. Maybe I feel that way because the stuff that’s weighing on my mind I don’t feel I want to burden people with. I keep looking at my phone hoping someone will message and ask if I’m ok because I can’t take the first step to tell them I’m not. I don’t feel like anyone wants to check in on me and whilst I know I am adult and I should reach out, but why do I always have to reach out when I know I check in on them? I feel alone. I feel like there’s so much on my shoulders but I know there isn’t anything that will make it go away, talking about it is one thing but to help it go away is another.
I’ve had a very triggering week and it has been one thing after another, I keep getting back up but something keeps throwing itself back at me. I feel like so much is expected of me from different avenues and I am much better at saying ‘no’ or expressing when things get too much but right now I don’t feel like anyone cares enough to notice. I ‘collapsed’ in the super market today. I’m not sure what happened, my legs just gave way and I was laying n my front. Someone came to help me up and I jokingly said ‘who took away the banana skin’ but in that moment I felt defeated. The split second I felt myself hit the floor it was like everything else in life had finally won.
I can only do so much to better myself but things from my past always come back to trip me up and I don’t deserve it. Why do I fight so much to make sure I am ‘well’, if i’m always going to have to bare the brunt of a life I never asked for. I’m crying because for the first in I can’t remember how long, I do feel defeated and i’m not to blame because I do all the things I am supposed to, yet I continue to be punished by the universe for it. I don’t feel that I have anyone to turn to. I know sometimes we can say that when our depression gets the better of us, because it wants us to feel alone so it can breed and multiply and exacerbate all that pain you’re already feeling and I am trying to tell myself I do have people to turn to yet every time I pick up my phone I can’t write out a text or dial a number because I don’t know who I am supposed to turn to.
I guess I’m writing this as a way of expressing it to the outside and it shows that even when we feel like we are becoming the best versions of ourselves, setbacks and push backs are inevitable. Sometimes I feel like I blame my depression for everything when actually, my depression is a by product of everything I have been through. All the trauma I have suffered and continue to work through. I blame my depression for making me feel this way instead of allowing myself to accept some of the things I have had to experience, because sometimes that seems too tough to comprehend. It makes me feel other emotions; anger -especially at people who still take no accountability for their role, shame – the worst of them all because it’s so undeserving but can be so consuming that it can out shadow my ability to be rational in my thinking, betrayed, alone, confused, vengeful, worthless…the list could do on. At least when I blanket everything under my depression it’s like tucking it all into bed neatly and ignoring it for another day.
Sometimes I feel like I will never be understood, or even accepted and that can also push me to withdraw and not find the steps I need, to tell some one today I am struggling. Is it because deep down I know it will go away? Or is it because I still can’t seem to shake my fear of undeserved judgement? I tell myself that I am open and honest these days with how I am feeling or if I need help, but how can I be open if I have no one I feel like I can share it with? As much as I am in a much better place than I ever have been, my ability to trust someone to the depth where I can share my past with, is the worst it has ever been and that’s something I need to try and fix because otherwise I truly believe I will be alone for ever.
I don’t want to have regrets and I guess I don’t reallly have any but part of me wishes I held back on some things I shared with people I used to be close with. It wont make too much sense here but sometimes I feel like I’ve developed trauma from sharing my trauma you know? lolol noyoudontbutitsok. When you confide in people that you trust, and that breaks down, whether anyone is at fault or not, it takes more healing than I have managed to fathom at present, to move on from it and create a foundation where I would be able to share so much of myself with someone else again. Whether that is friendship, family or romantically. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to because I actually don’t think I am healed enough to do so, be it because of trust or something else I’m yet to work out. I guess what I really am, is scared depending on anyone again and that’s an isolating place to be at.
Jheeze wow, look at that, a small few paragraphs and i’ve experienced a whole revelation somehow? This blogging thing really is a bit therapy in itself (although I really need to get myself a new therapist because it’s been too long and as you may have picked up on, I think I am losing it a tiny bit) that being said, I haven’t cried in at least 8 minutes and know I have somehow worked out that I have a load more crap to mentally work through, perks..every cloud? Sunshine and rainbows? I always try and tell myself out loud that I am not alone but really, there are going to be days where that is the only thing your brain will let you feel, no matter how much you want to fight against it. I think for now I just have to ride out that feeling of loneliness knowing that it is temporary and I will feel better, even if for now that place feels a million miles away. I know where that place is and I just have to wait until I remember how to get back there.