So a whole month has jumped between posts and this time it was completely unintentional as it had genuinely only felt like it was just a week since *tried not to freak out about life passing before my eyes and eventually leading to being 97 in my rocking chair*.
Just as a quick side track, I re-read my last post and I feel that it was quite a rambling mess, with not much direction so as a reader I can assume you didn’t gain much from that, I’m sorry! I’m still working on how to process and articulate my understanding of experiences and it’s not always going to read how I hope. That being said, I feel good that I have the ability to self-reflect and be critical of myself in a constructive way (not always complete self-loathing guise we got this).
So on today’s episode of mindful Char, I wanted to share just how I have been feeling recently and the only word I came up which kinda shows how I’m actually feeling is emotionlessss. Now, this isn’t the same feeling of numbness I used to have. That paradoxical numbness where you are both hyper sensitive to everything yet feel utterly dead inside and have an internalised black hole of voids you can feel because you are in fact, dying inside (whewww that one is a bitch and I’m glad I haven’t experienced it in a while). It is more to do with the way in which some how I feel that through recovery, I have lost a part of myself..like my emotions have become so subdued sometimes I wonder if I have gone too far the other way? Like, am I calm, rational and emotionally mature or have I just become emotionless?
I have jumped from being so emotionally charged and yes, completely irrational most of the time, to kind of not having any sense of emotional drive at all. Maybe drive isn’t the right word, as I am still driven to want to succeed and do things but there is no real ‘umphhh’ behind it. Whilst the umphh I used to have led me to have manic low episodes, a part of me misses being passionate enough to share my lefty out there views and fight my corner to anyone who dared put a point across I didn’t agree with. I know writing this and even thinking this out loud sounds ludicrous..’you miss fighting with random strangers on facebook? you ok char?’ it’s more…I miss caring enough to fight with people over things that I was passionate about.
Today’s been a bit rough (not sure if you’ve noticed lol) and I feel like life has finally ‘toughened me up’ – like I had to change myself so rapidly to recover from me old mental breakdown in good ole 2k16, I have overly desensitised as maybe a way of self protection? I can’t believe that any part of me would miss being unstable or manic and whilst of course, I still get low (depression still hangs around like a bad smell) I don’t feel like I get the ‘highs’ that used to come of the back of it. The highs felt so high, and I know it’s because I’m more stable in everything about myself, so the come backs and the ‘ups’ probably just aren’t as dramatic so therefor feel like they don’t exist…even though obviously they do. As usual, I’m sure I’m making very little sense to anyone other than myself but I try, so give a gal some credit.
I guess when you experience a lot of change, your identity and really, who you are, changes with it. I’m still trying to find myself in amongst all of that and the process is so long, like, reallyyyyy long. I don’t feel that I can connect with people in the same way I used to, but I have to remind myself I made many superficial connections that inevitably had a detrimental effect on my well-being. Not through anyone’s fault other than my own lack of self-awareness but (maybe I’m remembering through rose tinted lenses) it was dare I say..easier to connect with someone even if that connection turned out to be negative? I was more ‘outgoing’ – although I guess the alcoholism and substance misuse gave that a boost. I’m still social yet I know I have many more barriers than I ever used to and I’m still trying to work out if that is a positive or negative thing, what are the right barriers to have and which ones do I need to knock down a bit, who knows today mate.
I still care for the same things, I still want to try and leave this world a better place than I came into it, I still want to love and be loved, I still have ambitions and goals (even if sometimes I forget) so why do I feel like everything is a bit…plateaued…I’m going to take a long shot in the dark and say I still clearly have some trauma to work through in regards to trust, so that could be why I feel so desensitised i.e. desensitised = limiting vulnerability = safety, which is good to recognise those are connected, it doesn’t take away from me feeling like I’m just a bit lost. It’s super easy especially on a day like this, to long for something that likely never existed and next week I might wake up and be like gurllllll you stupid, you realise who you were was a hot mess?? You were no good to anyone let alone yourself…HOWEVER, that still doesn’t take away from feeling that at this particular moment, my reaction to experiences or my day to day, can feel pretty emotionless.
How do we learn to find that balance between it all…If anyone has some delish magic potion (non-alcoholic pls) to help me process being in the middle of manic depressed of me total nut char and completely subdued calm quiet distancing from the world other char, that would be fabb. It’s actually really annoying that I’m having these thoughts if I’m being honest. Annoying. Not frustrating or upsetting, just, fucking annoying. I have spent all of my life, of what I can remember, wanting to feel safe. Safe in every sense possible; physically, mentally, emotionally and now…now…I finally feel safe in my head and from my self and safety from the world around me and people and all the scary stuff, I want to what..fly of the walls again? (I know that’s not it by the way, just joking obvs) I just have no idea what I feel like I’m missing or if I’m missing anything at all and this is what healthy brains are like??
I DONT KNOWWWWW.
I’m glad I have come out this post with less closure than I went into it. Really well done there lol no but on a serious note, when it comes to safety I guess there is also complacency and I think over time, I have become so comfortable and again…safe..that I have stopped taking any real risks. Is there such thing as being too self-aware? Can we make that a thing? I am so aware of how some things may process within myself that I won’t do it..I miss having the fuckkkk it, jump in head first and let it all blow up in my face attitude, without the fucckkk it, jumping in head first all blowing up in my face consequence.
I know deep down that everything I have changed about myself has been for the good, I know that my current and future self has and will benefit immensely from all the work I’ve put in, I just think I have to start trusting the outside a bit more and slowly letting bits here and seep back in. You know like when you get into a really cold pool and you dip your toes in, then your knees, then your legs, then the waist, then your chest..then your in..really you should do it all quickly so you don’t feel every single tiny step so much (without jumping in head first of course) – I need to try and now learn that I am going to be ok if I starting letting myself feel for things in the same way I used to as I know that I have the emotional capacity to balance and reason with it. I need to know that I have developed resilience and quit letting whatever fear I’m burdening myself with, stop me from having days on end where I feel that who I have become is a bad thing, and this emotionless-ness (new word, just making it up as per) has developed from a negative place where in actual fact, it can and should be used to explore the healthy emotional maturity I av mustered up for myself.