‘When the dust settles’

Hello. Long time no see? I know. Of all my attempts and wants to maintain a blog, I left it to the back of everything for five months. The fact that its been five months is a bit mad when I think about it because in some respects it only feels like a few weeks. I guess it can be telling that ‘life passes you’ or you ‘blink and the year has gone’ – going back to my other post on time anxiety.

I started getting emails from wordpress reminding me of my upgrade and I was like ok where did this go? by this maybe I mean me, maybe I mean time, who knows. I’m never sure. So where do we go from here? I guess we try and start from scratch. Something I have become accustomed to doing, as every step back I have in my health or life in general, you can feel like you are starting again. I try and see it as a positive, as giving yourself a mental fresh start can be a process to give new goals, meaning and direction. In most senses, I find myself fighting against feeling that I lost the effort and energy I put in initially. I guess my perspective on that will always change, day and mood dependent.

So lets give it another go eh?

So, my the last post I wrote I think I was maybe week 2 into therapy and was having some ‘blips’ which I anticipated. The 12 weeks that followed that were probably the most traumatic to date, in terms of mental health and just stability. I don’t think I have ever been so ‘up and down’ and for anyone that may have had therapy and may understand, it kind of felt like I got ripped inside and out and I lost who I was as a person, that I was skinless and raw and therefor, so much susceptible to everything around me. It was for sure, the best thing I have ever done in terms of confronting my trauma and I am eternally thankful for all the people I met in my group, as well as the group leaders. They helped me overcome darkness I never really knew I had, supported me in finding who I could be without the abuse and shaped me to find an identity as just me. Something for much of my life I never though possible. It was with a charity called NAPAC – National Association of People Abused in Childhood and honestly, if you are in the UK and are seeking that kind of specialist support, I have linked them in my resources page.

My last meeting was the end of Jan, (there was another last week but I couldn’t make it) and after that last session I felt as though I mourned the loss of it. Writing that sounds dramatised and in some way, over exaggerated but it was a space where I finally for the first time felt understood, safe and not completely alone in my experiences. I formed a dependence I didn’t think was possible and now that I am out of it i.e. ‘the dust has settled’ I can see the ‘good’ it has done me, whilst at the same time now seeking the next stage in ‘recovery’. I am also proud that I made it through, for anyone that it is currently in that or thinking of it – stick it out the best you can, at times it feels hopeless (something I am sure we can resonate with) but, the end does come and you can be proud of the process.

Life event wise, I went away for Christmas and visited my sister in Australia and had the most amazing experience. It was such a break from everything and I am so grateful I got to have it, that I think it made coming into the new year and the usual ‘January blues’ 8247689 times harder. I came back from holiday, jobless after finally leaving my other job (not because I disliked it at all, I just wanted to push myself to do other things) but I felt my whole life had been turned upside down with change. I have struggled so hard to try and get ‘back on top’ of things (am I ever really on top though, who knows? lol) but, in a small way I think maybe even writing this is showing me that I am.

I find it really hard to have some of the anger I have towards my health, if that makes sense. Months can go and it’s difficult to see any achievement and you feel as though your depression defines you. It defines my time. My choices. My everyday, and when I stop feeling as low as I do, I resent that I have to go through it to find a resolution and the ‘depression Epiphany’ as I have decided to call it. I felt so low I didn’t attend my best friends graduation which I guess was kind of a wake up. As I write, it feels that the whole experience wasn’t me because it feels so far removed from how I feel now, which adds to my anger at it, why should I have to lose so much of my life fighting something I never chose to have? I guess I’ll never be able to answer that and all you can do, is keep fighting in any way you can and some how some way, you’re starting again. Rebuilding…but…here is the cliche ON STRONGER GROUNDS. It’s like you build a house and it falls because you built it unstable and then you build again and each time it holds a lil longer then one day it just stays? and there’s no dust to see through? wow I am still cliche queen. Who has missed me haha

I could go into every high and low over the four months but unless you have 18 years I’ll finish here. I hope you have all had a start to the new year that you are rewarding yourself for (almost said good but realised I didn’t mean good because what is good). I look forward to catching up on the blogs I follow and re connecting with this part of me. This is super short I know but i just basically wanted to say a quick hello again lol and will write some more and share some more very soon.

As always, thanks for reading and get in touch with anything you’d like to share or ask ❤

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