The first step is always the hardest..how often do we tell ourself this and how often do we tell other people this? I mean, not for want of anything more but to be helpful and supportive.
‘You’ve taken the first step..well done!’
Today, in group therapy someone said to me…*drumroll*
‘There is only one first step, so why do we all say thats the hardest. Do you know what’s really the hardest? The next step. There is always a ‘next step’. We always have to take the next step after the first’
Man oh woman did I almost fall of my chair. Firstly (just to put it out there before I go into steps and stuff) I’m a bit mad at myself at my lack of posting as I had wanted to do one after each therapy sesh to try and share etc but I just physically couldn’t bring myself to it. I have been in complete self isolation mode but finally, and thankfully, I feel ‘out of it’. So here we are. Must. Do. Posts. For. Healthy. Coping mechanisms.
BACK TO STEPS. Ok. So we have finally reached out for that bit of help we have been so desperately needing and that is BLOODY BRILLIANT. WELL. DONE. US, ME, YOU, EVERYBODY. That first step is (excuse my language) fucking difficult and sometimes, that first step completely drains us and what happens? We stop, and we cant take the ‘next one’.
The next one. The one where you then have to commit to this. The whatever you have chosen to do. The whatever you need to do. You have jumped of the diving board but now you have to actually swim or spoiler, you are about to drown (my analogies are always missed, I know I know). On a serious note though, maintaining or attempting to sustain the ‘positive change’ we had deeply desired when we ventured the step…is far more difficult then we may have previously imagined.
I thought I knew how hard I was going to find group therapy. Opening that baggage box I love to pretend doesn’t exist and work through everything I like to..not work through..was going to be hard but I just didn’t realise how hard. It really hit me like a shovel (75 shovels) to the face and I completely 180’d. Walking in for my first session was extremely anxiety inducing, scary and painful…leaving the second session was a different kind of scary painful..is this making sense at this point? Most likely, no. In the wonderful mind of Char, it is, so I will continue.
The first step I get all in, but may have kind of been driven by adrenallin and then suddenly thats gone and then I’m running on….Hope? Goals? Aims? Positivity? arghhh no thank u lol nice knowing you hun.
We all know individually why we have made the decision to ‘seek help’. Picking up the phone. Walking into that doctors surgery. Speaking to that friend.Saying the words outoud for the first time to yourself. However you have jumped that line of silence-ness for want of the better good,you have taken an incredibly brilliant and brave leap of…*insert something witty not using the word faith*. The reason why, quickly evapourates and we forget why we are about to put ourselves through this terrible ordeal and our braim / body / energy aint about to have it. Nu uhh. No thank-you. I’m good luv, enjoy.
BUT WE CAN NOT LET THIS HAPPEN.
Or you can, of course you can..but you need to fight it and come back.
(Always fighting something aint we eh?)
We, mainly I..have spent years trying to protect myself from pain, whilst not protecting myself from pain, that the thought of further pain makes me run from pain. So there I was, week 2..realising I had taken that first step and choked the shit out at step number two.
Here I am though, jumping to the next step after that next step and you know what? I am r e a d y for…guess what..THE NEXT STEP.
I mean, yes right now I feel ready but it may change, either way I am sure I will attempt to share.
p.s. again, thanks for everyone that likes, messages and overall shows warmth and support. This life of ours is rough and mucky and sometimes I forget how or why I even get to certain milestones but I am reminded when I allow myself to be vulnerable enough to post and receive love and kindness back. WHICH WE ALL DESERVE RIGHT?
Ok. So a small rambling back into blogging and life and I hope that if you have taken that first step you are proud of yourself..even if you feel you don’t deserve it or, you don’t want to be proud..it is a huge achievement and yes, proud is what you should be. It is just about being realistic, prepared and ready for the bit that comes after it.
I’m not going to do my usual ‘points and tips’ because at the moment, I feel a bit hypocritical because I have not been good at my points and tips lol and sometimes I don’t want to be told points and tips because they feel like bs. (I realise I told you to be proud, but no regrets).
Just I guess, well done for where ever you are in, all we know is that right now 1. I’m alive and writing this but 2. You are also alive and reading this. So, yes to that.
Photo cred: me