Here I am, back again with another weird analogy…because really, who would I be without them?
This week I have had a bit of a ‘blip’ (that makes it sound a bit niceer doesn’t it?) a blip, lapse, step back..just an overall poop couple of days. I would say it peaked Monday when I found my brain doing the scrambling thing it likes to do. Where every thought scrambles in with the next and I get worked up in trying to unscramble myself. I stop associating my emotion with an action and I’m ‘just sad forever’. I have since, unscrambled myself a small amount, but not completely.
I try and do this thing where I ‘hide’ but I am hiding from who? lol I’m laughing at the moment only because when you’re ‘out of it’ and can reflect back, when you really look at the situation you’ve got yourself in, you have to laugh. Without laughter the world would stop (not to be dramatic but yes it would). Why do I say to myself ‘just gunna hide for a bit’ WHERE ARE YOU HIDING CHARLOTTE lool stop it pls. You know when you play hide and seek with a toddler and you have to pretend you have no idea where they are but they’re shouting ‘I’m over HEREEEE’ with their feet poking out from behind the sofa..?
You weird human you, your hiding is terribly. I can convince myself that when I hide, I can ‘block it out’, which is just me playing mental health jenga (eventually the tower will crumble, incase you didn’t get that).
Ok, to the plant.
For my birthday last November I was brought an indoor plant and I LOVED IT. Cared for it and saw it flourish and was very proud of it. Then, I ish got bored of the plant because watering and sunlighting it and pruning it was energy and I kind of just…watched it start to die. The pretty white petals fell of, the bulbs closed, the green went mucky brown and then I panicked at this point because deep down I really liked this plant of mine, so when I genuinely thought I had killed it I was upset. So, I watered it and put it in sunlight and pruned it and it flourished all over again. The white comes back. The greens there. It’s restoring itself to the most beautifulest of plants.
THANK-YOU PLANT GUARDIANS I PROMISE I WILL WATCH OVER MY PLANT BABY FOREVER AND EVER.
Can we guess what happens next? Of course. I got bored of it again. I forgot how happy it made me feel when it was at it’s best. I let it reach the point of browning non flowerness saddness death then I swooped back into action to fix it again. This has happened on a cycle continuously since last November and everytime I think, right, this time, this time I have really fucked it. It is gone for good. IT LITERALLY JUST KEEPS COMING BACK TO ME. How do you do this oh lovely plant of mine?
Then, today in my kitchen, after watering it for the first time on Monday for weeks, I saw how it had blossomed and I really started to chuckle. This stupid plant just keeps overcoming all the obstacles I’m throwing at it, comes back bright as new and just will not give up..(can you see where I am going with this?).
I laughed because I suddenly found myself in awe of this plant. Stared at it for a bit too long, then the neighbour walked past and I’m kind of half laughing half staring at the half dead plant in my kitchen in my pjamas. But, never have I related to anything more then this idiotic fighter plant that refuses to give in. I give it the teeny tiniest bit of care and it comes back bolder and brighter than it did before and I was like ok? OK. Imagine how beautiful this plant would be if I just gave it the love it deserves all the time! Not just at the point of crisis.
IMAGINE. That I, me, did not suddenly spring into great-self-care-look-after-myself-mode-must-be-ok only when I reached crisis? (Maybe not crisis). IMAGINE. I topped myself up little by little each day instead or saturating myself with goodness. How much can both I, and super plant, achieve/ flourish/grow, just by doing those everyday simple things that I had got so ‘good’ at doing.
It can be difficult to notice when you have slipped back into behaviours you thought you may have passed. Thats ok. Recognising it is a huge step and you need to tell yourself that. Sometimes, you just need to relate to the half dead plant in your kitchen refusing to let you kill it to realise you really have and continue, to fight against everything that you have been working against.
(Look at the green coming through and the half dying but also v alive petals, I am actually this plant)
- It’s not even the slightest bit weird if you look at yourself in the mirror and shout that you are brilliant. Do this. ‘I’M GREAT’. You are.
- Let yourself feel every emotion your body needs to. It’s ok to feel like shit and you don’t have to pretend you don’t, it is the steps you take after that is important
- You can only hide from it for a short while